Walking With, Not Ahead Or Behind: Rethinking How We Support Our Teens' Decision-Making

By Chooi Foong Sin

We were once teenagers. We messed up. We made decisions that raised eyebrows, caused heartaches, or left us with stories we now tell with a mix of laughter and disbelief.

So when I sat among nearly 30 parents on a Saturday morning, I was grateful for the space created by my child's school PSG EXCO and anchored by a thoughtful trainer. I found myself reflecting not only as a parent, but also through the lens of a coach. Someone who walks with others for a living. Someone who believes that decision-making is more than logic; it's a deeply human process shaped by emotions, context, and the stories we carry.

Here are five perspectives that stayed with me—lessons not just from the session, but from the everyday trenches of parenting and coaching teens.

1. Expect the “rubbish” before the wisdom

There is a reason why teens stumble. They are wired for exploration, not precision. The part of their brain responsible for foresight and restraint is still under construction. (we were once like that too and our parents wished for the same thing we now wish for our teens)

That doesn't mean we step back entirely—but rather, we step beside. As the trainer aptly reminded us, sometimes it's "rubbish before good decisions."  I have seen this play out in coaching too: mistakes often precede insight.

Growth happens when there is space to fall, reflect, and try again—within safe, loving boundaries.

2. Time is not the same as timing

In homes, as in coaching, timing is sacred. Parents often ask: “When is the right moment to talk?” But connection rarely happens when we’re ready. It happens in car rides, meal time, movie night, or while queuing for bubble tea (less sugar, less ice pls 😉).

What matters is not scheduling the perfect conversation, but consistently showing up.

Making time signals that we care. Being present when they’re ready? That builds trust.

3. Hold hearts, not just set rules

One of the most transformative shifts in my own parenting journey was learning to hold space before I hold standards. Yes, boundaries matter. But so does tenderness.

Teens don’t need perfect parents; they need real ones. When we share our own missteps and regrets, we invite honesty instead of performance.

When we walk beside, they may let us in.

In coaching, we call this co-creating a relationship. At home, we call it love (hate-love relationships).

4. Set intention, not perfection

There’s no “one button” fix in parenting. But there is one intention we can keep returning to: to walk with presence and purpose.That might look like negotiating screen time instead of laying down ultimatums. Or knowing which battles to pick, and when to just listen.

It’s never about control—it’s about connection.

And that’s a lifelong journey.

5. Why teens struggle with decisions—and how we can support them

One of the most powerful activities during the session was reflecting on how teens make choices. Not all decisions are created equal. A good decision involves clarity, context, timing, and often a painful trade-off between short-term pleasure and long-term gain.

But when it comes to teenagers, several invisible forces get in the way of sound decision-making:

🔸 Emotions override logic: In the moment—especially under peer pressure or heightened stress—feelings often take the driver's seat before reasoning can catch up.

🔸 Fear of judgment: Whether it’s from peers or adults, the fear of being misunderstood or criticized can distort how they evaluate risks and choices.

🔸 Lack of life experience: Without enough real-world exposure, teens often misjudge complexity—either overestimating their readiness or underestimating consequences.

🔸 Unclear internal motivation: Many teens aren’t yet tuned into their “why.” A choice might stem from the need to fit in, rebel, impress, or simply to feel something. They’re still exploring their compass.

When we understand the anatomy of a poor decision, we stop judging—and start guiding. We can coach them through reflection: “What mattered to you in that moment?” “What were you hoping for?” “What would you try differently?”  These aren’t just coaching questions. They’re parenting ones too.

A quiet invitation I didn’t leave the session with a to-do list. I left with a sense of alignment. That the work we do as parents; when done with curiosity, compassion, and intention, is not so different from the work I do as a coach.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from both worlds, it’s this: transformation rarely happens in a rush. But when it does happen, it starts with presence. It starts with walking with our teens; not ahead of them.

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If this resonated with you, you’re not alone. I’ve been supporting parents and young people through seasons of uncertainty and growth. Should you ever want to explore what support might look like for yourself or your teen, I’m here, no pressure, just presence.

Why Teens Struggle with Decisions - And What Parents Can Do Differently